Tennessee 101: Hating Alabama

Tennessee 101 is your guide to being a Tennessee Volunteers fan. Whether you’re considering dawning orange, a person who has recently seen the light, or a long time fan looking to brush up, Tennessee 101 is an introductory course in Volunteer-dome.

Tennessee hates Alabama. It started in the early days of the SEC. Tennessee and Alabama were the year in, year out, powers in the conference, and when they clashed, it was always pertinent on the national scale. The rivalry blossomed into the Third Saturday in October, as we know it today. So, as a Tennessee fan, it’s important for you to understand why we hate Alabama. This brings us to our first lesson in Tennessee 101: Hating Alabama.

The Arrogance and Ambition of Hans Gruber 

Alabama is Hans Gruber. For those of you who haven’t seen Die Hard (come on, man), Hans Gruber is the arrogant German terrorist with a murderous plot to steal millions of dollars, and will use any means necessary, including murdering a multitude of hostages and policemen to get his way.

Name any successful (and some unsuccessful) College Football programs and it’s likely that at some point in their history, they’ve been busted for some kind of violation. Basically, everyone has cheated. But, no one has cheated more than Alabama. Any means necessary to get what they want, just like Hans. Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer once turned in Alabama for cheating. Rather than taking their punishment, Alabama fans blasted Fulmer for “ratting” them out. Thus Fulmer is the evil one for tattling when the Tide were the ones that ACTUALLY CHEATED. Alabama fans HATED Phil Fulmer for this, and the fact that Fulmer went 11-4 against the Tide (a tie in 1993 and a Bama win in 2005 were later vacated due to NCAA infractions) and Fulmer won 7 straight games against them.

Alabama has been on probation three times in the last deaade. They vacated 21 victories from 2005-2007, and it wasn’t just the football team, 15 other teams were penalized as well during “bookgate.” Also, NCAA Infarction celebrities Charley Pell, Pat Dye, Danny Ford, and Jackie Sherrill all began their career at Alabama. This is not confirmed, but Athletic Dishonesty is actually a major at the University.

Bammers wield arrogance like Hans Gruber pompously wields a pistol. When Alabama was under threat to be upended by Oklahoma State into the title game, I could hear Nick Saban saying “You really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?” To which without a doubt, I believe that Mike Gundy would reply with “Yippee-ki-yay, *#&$(#@)@%&^.”

For example, before the 2008 season, Alabama was terrible, by their own standards, they were worse than bad. We’re talking Star Wars: Episode I bad. This is the program with 12 National Titles going 3-9 in 2003. Just for the record, you’d have to go back to the Coolidge administration to find a year when Tennessee failed to win 4 games, and they only played 8. But if you EVER made fun of Alabama, EVER. You were blasted with “Well, we have 12 National Championships, how many do you have? Blah, blah, blah.” Then comes 2008, Alabama goes undefeated, all the way to the SEC Title game, kaboom. BAMA IS BACK. NO ONE CAN STOP US. . . TEBOWED. “Well Florida, we won 12 National Championships. How many do you have?” Then Alabama went on to get blasted by Utah in the Sugar Bowl in what could possibly be the funniest football game I’ve ever seen. What’s Alabama’s excuse? “They had nothing to play for, and they didn’t really care. SO yeah, Utah won.”

The Everyman’s Bandwagon 

I give credit to legitimate Alabama fans. Those who grew up loving the Tide, possibly went to or are closely related to the University, or just loved them since they were young. Granted I disagree with them, dislike them at times, but I respect them. They are the minority. Because then comes the rest of the Bama fan base. Those who before 2009, didn’t own an Alabama article of clothing, but immediately went and bought a shirt at Wal-Mart after the 2009 SEC Championship game.  “I’ve always loved the Tide.” Sure, that doesn’t contradict the Tebow jersey in your closet does it? Anywhere you go, in this day and age, you will meet Alabama fans. Why? Because it’s a hot bandwagon right now, and everyone is on it. And these are the fans that will be in your face because you’re a Tennessee fan.

Last season Alabama lost 3 games, they struggled a little bit, but this season, the Tide got back on track. Alabama curb stomped Florida in the Swamp, and that’s when it became very apparent that the Tide were a force to be reckoned with. And then the “Roll Tide, RTR, Rammer Jammer” statuses exploded on the social media spheres. When the weather is fair, the Bandwagons do share.

The Cult of Personality 

Take Jesus off the survey, ask anyone in Alabama who the most important man in history is, and they will say Bear Bryant. Bear Bryant was one of the greatest coaches in the history of football (I will get blasted for implying that anyone is even close to his equal). But Alabama fans adoration of the Bear is as if he were still alive today, and spends his day curing diseases, and ending global terrorism for good (no Bear Bryant is not Jack Bauer). Bryant passed away in 1983, 18 years later, Bama fans still will not give him a rest. I understand a name on the stadium, a statue, even a museum, but the legacy of the Bear in Alabama is beyond over the top. One of the things people remember about Bear Bryant is that he always wore a Houndstooth hat. . .

Houndstooth, Ocean Tides, Elephants, and Yellow Hammers 

The traditions of Alabama may have been selected by a 5 year old around the turn of the century. First, the mascot. Alabama is a Crimson Tide, which, I guess means that they are ocean waves that are a shade of red. But their mascot is an Elephant named Big Al. . . What? This makes as much sense as an episode of Lost. Then comes the Rammer Jammer chant. After every win, Alabama fans chant “Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer Give em Hell Alabam. . . er.” Trust me, we’ve tried to make sense of it, no luck. And finally:Houndstooth:

Bear Bryant wore a houndstooth hat, thus, in accordance with the Cult of Personality, you can’t sling a dead cat in Alabama without hitting something Houndstooth. Shirts, hats, pants, scarves, bathing suits, underwear, anything can be made into that deplorable pattern. I think Alabama should just go all out and make their endzones houndstooth, but that’s just me.

Roll Tide

If you haven’t heard it yet, I can’t explain it to you. But I promise that by the second time you hear it, you will think it’s the most annoying thing in the world, and they will not shut up. Ever. Alabama fans say Rocky Top is annoying, at least it’s a song that’s pretty catchy.

Bama Bangs 

For those of you who haven’t been on a college campus in the South in the last ten years, Bama Bangs is a haircut that started somewhere in Alabama, we are not sure if it was Alabama or Auburn or a spontaneous generation at both campuses, but it has swept the South and become the official haircut of Frat Boys in the SEC. Other variations are the Southern Swoop and the Delta Flip.

Yes, we have proof the Bama Bangs have, in fact, spread to Canada.

The “Best” Fans in the World 

I’m not going to mention Harvey Updyke. To be honest, 99% of Alabama fans completely disassociate with the guy and his quarrel is not with Tennessee. An Auburn fan might bring him up, but I won’t.

How to Deal With Bama Fans

Should you come into contact with a Bammer, (you’re bound to, the bandwagon is hot right now) here is a handy little guide to dealing with them. First and foremost, be prepared for an all out assault if you are wearing anything Tennessee or remotely Orange, Alabama claims that Orange is the ugliest color and hate it. Truth is they are jealous because they have the same school colors as 65 % of sports teams.

Use simple words Bammers are not known for an extensive vocabulary outside of the words Roll Tide, hate Auburn, and Bear Bryant. You will hear Bear Bryant mentioned at least once in conversation. We could bring up Robert Neyland, after all, we do understand that Bryant was the greatest coach in the history of College Football, but Bryant is not heads above Neyland. But I advise you to steer clear of this, no one worships Robert Neyland.

Don’t try to argue SEC fans are all stubborn, you can’t convince us of anything. Bring up Peyton Manning as often as possible Alabama has national championships, yes, but Tennessee has the greatest Quarterback in SEC history (Yes, Manning is better than Namath) and he beat Alabama 4 times. But Ingram won the Heisman So did Gino Toretta (over a certain running back named Marshall Faulk, you tell me who panned out).

They will use the word hillbilly Log Cabins > Trailers.  Concede the point that Dreamland Barbeque has the best ribs They win here.

If you want to upset them, use the words Franchione,  Cam Newton, or Phillip Fulmer. I only reccomend this if your plan is to have them attack you and press assault charges. (Be careful if you have tress in your yard). To Calm them down, say Nick Saban, Bear Bryant or this key phrase “Ain’t nothing like ’em nowhere.”It works like magic.

Sing Rocky Top Alabama fans hate the song. Once again, this is jealousy. But they play it 300 times a game by the end of the game, 99 % of people catch themselves humming, whistling, or singing it driving home. Our work here is done. What’s with your stupid hound dog, it has nothing to do with a Volunteer Elephants = Red waves. . . what?

Most importantly always understand that it’s just a game. I’m a firm believer in the 95/5 rule. 95 Percent of fans you meet enjoy the game for what it is, a game. Sure there’s playful jabbing and competitive trash talking, but no one gets personally insulted, and at the end of the day we can all sit around a table, laugh, and have a good time. It’s the 5 percent of fans who ruin it for everyone else. They take things personally, they get in fights over someone insulting their team like they had bad mouthed their own mother, they personally insult other fans and berate them with words they wouldn’t say in front of their grandmother and these types of people ruin the experience for everyone else. Don’t be one of these people. If you’re getting to emotional, back off, it’s just a game. I am guilty of getting to emotional on twitter, but I can’t recall ever physically assaulting someone over a sport, but I’ve never personally met Lane Kiffin.

Sure, I’ve made fun of Alabama’s traditions, mocked them and made jokes at their expense, but I fully expect them to do the same to me, and I will laugh about it. I have plenty of friends who are Alabama fans. I pray for their poor souls everyday.

Sports are just games, and rivalries are part of them. Enjoy sports for what they are, but, like I said, at the end of the day, they’re just games. Awesome, incredibly fun games that we love, but still, games.